I keep thinking about this blog, and I keep saying to myself that I'm just at a loss of words, and that it's just "different" this time because I'm so busy with Ava. And it IS different because I'm busier. But I guess I'm not at a loss for words, or thoughts.
I think they are the same ones I had with Ava. I'm constantly wondering what Andrew's doing, or if he's staying warm. It's SOOOO cold in his province. I've heard that he lives in one of the wealthiest cities in China, so I'm hoping his orphanage has heat. I'm sure he's bundled up like a little mummy, hardly able to walk. This is when I start getting emotional, wanting to be with him NOW, not wanting to wait this dreadful WAIT. Every day matters in this long paper chase. Just yesterday I found out that our home study which was approved last week, was just sent to our home study agency YESTERDAY and it will go out in the mail today to our placing agency. I was expecting them to have it LAST week. So, it's just very frustrating. I know God is in charge of everything....from the timing that we get to travel to get him from the timing that each step is completed.
I know God is in charge of EVERYTHING, but it's my human nature to worry. Just like worrying about our finances....trying to save every penny to put towards our adoption, then our water heater breaks, and we have to purchase another one......or Ava (and Christine) got the flu back in January and I missed a whole week of work (including pay) plus we had additional medical bills and prescriptions. AND Ava is sick again and I've missed another entire week at work this week too.
I KNOW God is in charge of EVERYTHING, and I KNOW He will provide, but these are just hard times, and times that my faith is tested. I think this has been one reason that I have just felt QUIET. I'm really trying to concentrate on the good, and on hearing His voice instead of letting my worry get in the way. I think I understand why Jesus said "Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, Move from here to there, and it will move...." instead of "..... if you have faith as big as an oak tree........" God doesn't require us to understand everything, He just wants us to trust Him, When we entered into this second adoption we KNEW that God had instilled this passion in our hearts and it was going to require more FAITH than ever before. But we took that leap and decided to trust God to provide the way. (and yes, I am talking mainly finances....you see, it really didn't make sense on paper for us to adopt another child.) So, we have to continue to have that blind faith. KNOWING He will provide when we can't SEE it. We have to remember how small a mustard seed is, and KNOW that we can put our faith in HIM. I know this is private, but I'm sure we are all battling these battles in one way or another.
I know this is supposed to be an adoption post, but this is such a time of waiting, with NO NEWS. It's a good time to grow in the Lord, and to listen to His voice. With Ava being sick, I've had some extra time this week to just "be still." I've been reading the book 'My Utmost for His Highest" by Oswald Chambers. It is the best devotional I've ever read. Very applicable to our daily lives and very humbling. I'm very thankful for this "quiet" stage I'm going through now, because I'm hoping that it's just one step closer to the point where I am at the "shout it out from the mountain tops!" stage!!!
Adopting is like being pregnant, except that no one really realizes it! I know I have a child growing in my heart, even though he's not growing inside of me. I wonder what he's doing every moment of the day, but unlike being pregnant, I can't feel him moving inside of me. I'm extremely emotional, just like having the hormones when I was pregnant, but again, it's not visually apparent that I'm "pregnant" so people forget to ask, and don't understand my emotions. (Plus, what 49 year old women is pregnant anyways?!) There are tons of adoption blogs, and I totally understand that people "adopting" are treated differently than those who are "pregnant." I've been on both sides, and I know that since I'm not "physically" pregnant it just tends to slip most people's minds. So, I'm thankful for my adoption friends and my Facebook groups who can understand and help me through this time, where all I really want to do is talk about it...just like a pregnant mommy wants to talk about their unborn child. I wonder what he really looks like....I've never seen a picture of him smiling so I don't know what his teeth are like; what does his voice sound like? Is he happy, sad, quiet, loud??? Sometimes, even though we adopted Ava, it's hard to imagine that we really do have a son halfway around the world who is already ours. And God knew when he was born that Andrew would be ours.
I think this QUIET time is just a time of realization and learning. I'm so thankful, and I'm so excited. This waiting game...the adoption paper chase....is just plain hard. So I am thankful that I'm busy, but I know that this time will pass quickly and soon enough we will be on that plane to China to bring home our precious child. My fourth child. God's chosen child for our family. I will PRAISE Him in the QUIET times as we wait, and I will SHOUT His PRAISES as we receive His blessings.
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