Six weeks home!

I've been wanting to do a little update on Andrew and to be honest, I just haven't been able to. In my heart I just couldn't write about this. But now, finally, things have calmed down and I can see that we are going to be ok. We have been home for six weeks. As an outsider looking in, I know it's very confusing, and it may seem like we have been very contradictory or even unthankful . First we were so excited, and we trusted God for this entire journey. From picking out our child, to raising the money we needed to bring him home. We trusted Him like never before!!! Then we get our long awaited for son and hardly have anything positive or nice to say. Believe me, I have felt very guilty for this. I have been very confused. I have even wondered if I had post adoption depression. In China I thought I was going to die. Every ounce of my strength and faith I had was challenged. Then when we got home things were just HARD. Harder than I ever imagined. I read books, and I heard stories, but I never thought those things would happen to me. (PLEASE NOTE THAT THESE ARE MY FEELINGS AND DO NOT REPRESENT EVERYONE IN MY FAMILY. I'm pretty sure that Laura could see positive things about Andrew from the very beginning---but for some reason, I just didn't have enough positive things to outweigh the negative)

I tried to post happy things and funny pictures and not let the public (except for a few close friends and family) know all the knitty gritty. It was obvious things were hard, but just how hard, we tried to keep mostly to ourselves.

Even last week, I was very discouraged. It just seemed like everything I was trying failed. It wasn't just the fact the Andrew is ALL boy, and doesn't stop moving ever. It's actually very hard to explain. I just knew that there was NO joy. I hadn't fallen in love with him, that's for sure. He would let me near him, but there was just no connection. He wanted me close, but again, things were just not working. He was still hitting us and spitting and "growling" when we disciplined him. He wouldn't come when it was time to brush his teeth, or he wouldn't hold still when it was time to get dressed, he wouldn't share with Ava and he was so, so rough with Ava and everyone else. He would hug me sometimes, but my neck would hurt because he hugged so tight. When Ava and I tried to do school Andrew would take Ava's pencil and scribble on her papers, or he would turn the music on and off. I could tell he knew he wasn't supposed to be doing what he was doing. And if I tried to get him involved in something he didn't want to do that either--he just wanted to be the center of everything. (which is understandable) Then Ava started having tantrums so then I had to deal with her horrible behavior also. Needless to say--all I looked forward to were nap times and bedtime. I was really drowning. I couldn't focus on anything good, because every second of my day was just miserable. Craig was great through all this, and worked just as hard as I did from the time he walked in the door from work until the little ones were tucked in to bed. We were both frazzled. Craig took a few days off work to help, and it helped me to have him home, but the situation was still the same--very discouraging. I have been around children all my life, I have taught pre-school, been a nanny, and babysat from the time I was 10 years old! I know how kids are, and I'm fairly patient and pretty creative when it comes to being able to play with them, or get them to do the things we needed to do. But this was total chaos from the time Andrew and Ava woke up until the time they went to bed.

Finally, I started making Ava rest when Andrew took a nap and I got out all my adoption books, and I re-listened to webinars on certain topics, and it really helped me to remember Andrew's side of this. It helped me and Craig to come up with different techniques of discipline and lots and lots of praise. I started praying very hard for God to fill me with positive thoughts, because I knew all of my focus on the negative was going to kill me.

Almost immediately I started seeing how great Andrew and Ava were playing together. And school just all of a sudden got better. Andrew was listening and actually obeying my directions. He even started being extra gentle when he hugged me and he was wanting to hug and kiss me all the time!!! I started making Ava actually take naps and sleep instead of just rest (yes she is 6) when Andrew took his naps, and her tantrums started being less. (Right now we are on day 3 of NO tantrums at all!) Andrew is mimicking more and more words, and when he gets upset about something it's pretty short lived. Things have just really taken a turn for the better!! I have been able to BREATHE!!! I know we aren't home free, but I can handle this. I can see the light, and I can enjoy my children. There is a bit of calmness, and order.

I can actually see just a little teeny tiny bit of the way Jesus loves us. He loves us unconditionally, He never gives up on us and He is just always there waiting for US to decide that we will accept His love and forgiveness.

When I decided that I was just going to love Andrew and not force him to love me, or give any more than he wanted is when he started acting happier. When I figured out that he wasn't going to obey me, just because I was all of a sudden his mommy--that's when he started to listen to me. When I started speaking to him gently and quietly and less demanding, he became gentler too. I know Andrew has been through so much. So much neglect, but also obviously an orphanage favorite. He must have been given anything he wanted and never been told no. He was the King of his own little world. Not that he was happy--he may have been--it's just all he's ever known. He didn't have a family who he had to share with, be gentle with, respect, or be able just to be calm and relax with. He was just on his own. He didn't have anyone to cry to, or care about if he got hurt or not. (He never cries when he gets hurt) He was lonely. He was empty. He was a fighter.

I feel bad that I wasn't stronger to begin with. That I couldn't tough it out and totally focus on Andrew's feelings. I have always loved the saying that God doesn't call the equipped, God equips the called. I always thought of that in a financial matter---but now I think of it in another way too. God will equip the called with the ability to handle whatever we were CALLED to do. I am not an adoption expert, never was, never will be. I am just an ordinary person who was willing to be a mom to a couple of children who didn't have a mom. I am just so thankful that I can once again enjoy being a mom to these two little ones. I know they need me, but I have equally needed them. I am stronger because of these two little 32 pound fireball children!!! You never know how or who God will put in your path to help you grow in HIM!!! Right now I think my lessons are right here before me!!!

My silly boy!!!

If he doesn't get his nap, he will rock himself to sleep.

I'm so thankful they have each other!!! This was one reason we wanted to adopt again---so  Ava would have someone her age to grow up with. They love each other so much!! What a wonderful blessing!!

Andrew and daddy were watching football!! I love my boys!!

My little grown-ups for Halloween!!

Just look at this precious face. Yes--I love that little boy!

Craig and I took the little ones to a jumpy place this past Monday! They loved it! Andrew had NO fear!!

Fun times on a rainy day!!!