Just being Real

Everyone loves a happy story, a miracle, a testimony.  But the thing is, there are usually some really tough times before the end of the happy story, miracle, or testimony.  Just like anything worthwhile, the hard times are usually forgotten by the end of the journey because it's ALL worth it in the end. And it's a really good thing, or else people wouldn't keep having babies, or adopting babies, or doing other "hard" things in life.

When God called us to adopt again, He not only called us to go through the wait, the wondering, the mounds of paperwork, the yearning for time to go faster, but He called us to TOTALLY step out of our comfort zone and TRUST HIM. He didn't just call Craig and I to do this, He called ALL of us-Laura, Christine and Ava. This adoption has affected us ALL. But this is MY story, so here it goes....

The reason we are having to step out of our comfort zone, is because we are not equipped in any way to move forward with this adoption. Mostly financially. We have $0 in the savings account, and we still have debts from adopting Ava. Therefore the responsible thing would be to pay off our debt and concentrate on the three children that we have, right? Well we fought with this for such a long time. I know this is personal, but life is personal, and without this part of the story, it's hard to tell the whole story.

Anyway, I really struggled and fought with the idea of adopting again. How could we say yes, when there was NO possible way. And I mean no back up, no reserve, no credit available, nada....
How could we say yes, and possible affect a child's future if for some reason we couldn't continue this adoption?

Both Craig and I struggled, but neither one of us could say no. God's voice was manifested through sermons, through scripture, through bumper stickers, though other people's stories, and mostly through our hearts. He kept bringing up bible stories like how when Jesus asked Peter and Andrew to leave their nets and follow HIM, He didn't ask them to put away their nets in a safe place, in the case it didn't work out to follow Jesus that they would have a "back-up" plan to be able to continue living the same way they were. There were just so many things to confirm to us that we needed to just TRUST God. And that He was not going to fail us, especially if He was the center of what we were doing. If He was going to start a good work, then He would finish it. Why would He call us to adopt a little orphan child if He wasn't going to see it through?

Well that's all good and fine, and a really good plan. So, we just take that leap of faith and trust God for $40,000 so we can add another child to our family?

I'm not really going to concentrate on the HOW the miracle is happening so far and HOW MUCH we need to raise and have raised in this blog post, I really want to concentrate on the emotions that go with the LEAP.

So, we all know that we have taken the leap, but what does that mean everyday? I can't speak for Craig or for anyone else in my family, but for me, it just means that every breath I breathe, every step I take has GOT to be directed by God. It means that I cannot do anything, or make one decision without Him. It has meant that if I have a bathing suit that is still in decent condition(no matter how old it is), that I DO NOT buy a new one. It means that I am continually asking God to use me and use my creativity to help us with this cause. I KNOW that I am not in charge of this journey, and I'm not in charge of having to be the one to raise money, but I feel like I need to use the resources that God has given me to contribute to our funds. So, yes, I am physically tired, and mentally tired. I know that all the scripture says to "cast your cares on God" that we should "be like the little birds, and not worry, because we should know how much our heavenly Father cares for us, and loves us, and will provide for us..."  I KNOW the right was to act. I know I should be calm and know that the same God who rescued Jonah from the whale, and fed the 5000, and saved Daniel from the Lion's can surely provide for us. I know that God did miracles long before Facebook was ever invented. But truly believing that, and acting like I believe that, has been very HARD for me. It's embarrassing to say that "I never want to have to trust God like this again." It may even be a sin to say that. And when this is all said and done, I may say that the only way I ever want to live my life is to be so radical that I have to trust God with every move I make and every breath I breathe. I know that's how we are supposed to live, but I can honestly say that I have NEVER lived my life like that before now.

I'm just being honest and real. The journey isn't always easy. My attitude hasn't always been the "June Cleaver" upbeat perfect attitude. I am human. I have doubted, I have worried, I have cried, I have asked for forgiveness for my lack of faith. Maybe when I get to the point that I am relaxed, and I let go of all my control, maybe that's when I will truly see God at work. Believe me, I try everyday. And I know that God will see us through this journey. I know that we will have a miracle to share. We already have  so many awesome things that have happen, and I promise to share our miracle. I just feel it's real important to know that with every testimony is a test. For every miracle, there is a problem, a disease, a disaster. God's stories are usually not just a piece of cake. God's stories usually have bumps in the road.......just like yesterday---I get in the car and my air conditioner is not working, but we get home and we have this awesome anonymous donation to our Promise686 grant. God's stories are usually rollercoasters. I think he has a great sense of humor. And sometimes I think He's just waiting to see what happens when we are slung around the corner at a really high speed--who are we going to reach for? Who is our strength? Our source? Our every breath?

When I say that I never want to do this again, I'm serious right now. But I also know that God will take away the pain, once this journey is over and all I will see is the good. All I will see is the miracle. For now, it's still the rollar coaster ride. Luckily for me, I really like rollar coasters! (haha--I guess I can still joke in the midst of this all)

Why did I write this? I guess just so that we all know that doing the right thing isn't always easy. That even when we are not behaving with the attitude that we should have, that we are certain that God loves us, He has given us Grace, and many many extra chances to learn how to trust Him!